Dear God

deargod insecureDear God,

Hi. Good morning. Just thinking about things, up before everyone else in the house. I love this time of the day,the early morning with my coffee and my runaway dog Gypsy.

I’m a little conflicted as you know, God, about this blogging thing. I told you in the beginning when you and I decided it was okay and time for me to go “public” with my alcoholism and this blog that it was a risk because of my scruples. After a couple of years of just writing for myself and you, I have since early January been writing for a third person now. I have the reader in mind. I edit what I write. I re-word things that might sound controversial or stupid.

I told you I was worried this would happen, that I would care too much how or even if I’m perceived by others. You know this is one of my faults. Sometimes I call it vanity. But still you encouraged me to do this.  Why?  I’ve lost my time with you in the mornings. I’ve lost the intimacy you and I shared. My mornings used to be 45 minutes of sitting in my prayer chair, reading, praying, listening to you.

Now the first thing I do in the morning—well, I do make myself say the Rosary before I get out of bed, but it’s rushed and I can’t wait to finish it in order to get up for coffee and to check my blog.  Did anybody read what I wrote yesterday? Comment? Do I have a new follower overnight? Where did my traffic come from? What search words do strangers use to find my blog? How interesting it all is to me!  And although this information shows me that you and I are on the right track with this, I don’t like how my focus has shifted from you to me.

I just wanted to talk about this blogging thing, this public alcoholism I’m engaged in. What about all the people in my life, my professional life and my Facebook/personal life—my Facebook life is filled with people I’ve met along the way all the way back to elementary school!  What will they think if they find out I’m an alcoholic?  My blog posts are showing up in SEO, in Google.

What about those girls from high school and college, you know the perfect ones?  What will they think of me?  What about my sister, the one who is more private than I am.

You know, that’s the thing that’s bothering me the most right now.  The sister who may not be comfortable with me being publicly alcoholic.  I try to summon up the courage to not worry about this but it does make me question myself and your plan for me.  Maybe I should just be a quiet, non-wave-maker, mother and wife. I have that scruples thing, not all the time and not with everybody but with some people. But the love is there. Definitely the love is there

Should I be sharing these personal things about my life?  Shouldn’t I be more careful about what I put “out there” on the internet?  Why am I even doing this blog? It’s not like I’m blogging about arts and crafts, cooking, motherhood, something respectable. I’m blogging about alcoholism and how it has affected me and my family.  Maybe I should be more private about things, especially these things?

Even though I’m INFP on the Myers Briggs personality thing, I do have a way about me that sort of barrels through life. I don’t take  precautions, and I usually just go for it, do things. I’ve always been this way. I’m always like, “Okay, sure. Let’s do it.”  I was a gymnast and a diver in my youth, and I’ve always had a lot of courage–or maybe some would call me a “risk-taker,” which is actually one of the qualities the experts say is evident in every alcoholic.  A risk-taker. My coach would show me a difficult thing in the gymnastics book and I would say sure, I’ll try it.  So I guess my point here is how does me doing this blog affect the people I love? Am I being selfish here, risking more than just my own reputation? By having this blog am I hurting the reputation of those I love, too? Will my children be embarrassed one day when they’re old enough to know the difference?

Anyways, I”m not making ANY sense. I sound like such a victim here which is not how I feel at all.  Just wanted you to know that part of my fear and reservation about going public with my alcoholism and this blog. All of this could be in my head.  All of this, I suppose unfortunately IS in my head. ugh.

Back to you.

Dear God, I’m just asking you this morning two things. Well, of course the normal things like bless and take care of Husband and the children, my parents, Husband’s parents and all of my siblings and their families. Of course that.  But the two things I’m asking for in addition to the regular things are:

1. Bring me back to you in my mornings. I am loving blogging and writing, but I think of Wormwood in the Screwtape Letters, how satan is a master manipulator and uses the things we love to separate us from you. So help me give my mornings back to you, in my prayer chair, with my journal and my Lectio Divina, my Magnificat subscription, My Daily Bread book…  I want to be with you in the mornings again.

2. Release me from my attachment to pleasing anyone but you. Help me not worry about what I think people think of me.  I’m not the kind of person anymore that worries about what everybody thinks—but I guess I do still worry too much about what “certain” people think.  So, can you release me from that?

3. oh and three. I know I said it was just two. But three, can you reveal what it is exactly you want me to do with this blog?  It’s all for you, you know?

Love, Regina

“Just Write” Link-Up With The Extraordinary-Ordinary

just writeJust Write. This is a blogger link up to Just Write every Tuesday over there at The Extraordinary Ordinary blog by Heather King– to write sort of free association, whatever pops in our heads. It’s my first time participating, but I see that this is the 76th week these bloggers have linked up their “Just Writes.” Wow.

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Okay. Here goes.

I'm not blonde but this picture makes me happy. Especially since I currently have this back issue. I think even when I'm 80 I'll still think of myself like this.

I’m not blonde but this picture makes me happy. Especially since I currently have this back issue. I think even when I’m 80 I’ll still think of myself like this.

Having been confined to my home for the most part over the last four weeks, I’ve been able to focus on writing for the first time in my life, actually. I’ve always been a journaler, developed content for newsletters and things. I was a staff writer for a monthly publication in college way back when, and editor for my sorority; but my career path after graduation plopped me in sales.

I had a solid career in advertising sales for interesting magazines–Modern Bride, Bon Appetit—I would write letters, proposals, marketing, that sort of thing.  And I’d look longingly over at the editorial department, plugging away on their PCs developing great content out of any number of subjects. I wanted to be over there, in that department. But I kept getting promoted in sales.

I’d inquire sometimes about writing, in a round-about way so the real editors didn’t think I actually thought I was a writer. I would make a suggestion, catch an error, forward a trend that could become a feature piece for the upcoming issue.

But after a few years I pretty much resigned to myself that I was a salesperson, not writer; and I accepted that I would probably never be a writer. Besides, I made more money in sales, purchased a house on my own, paid off student loans, paid for a beautiful wedding, traveled.

I wrote two books which I never showed to anybody.  The first one was called the Mind, Body, Spirit Approach to Recovery.  I still have the manuscript and laugh at myself for how smart I thought I was! I wrote a lot about mitochondria for some reason?  But this was fifteen years ago, so shoot me.

And I wrote another book called, “We Were Scared, Too,” in which I interviewed women around the country who had unplanned pregnancies and made the most difficult of choices: not to abort. I told their stories–I had so much admiration for these women and I wanted to show other girls caught in the same position, that yes it may be really, really difficult; but you will be okay–I worried about the emotional and spiritual ramifications abortion has on the individual woman.  One of my best friends went through this.

I ended up putting their stories on a stagnant web site on WordPress here.

I remember always enjoying writing, filling pages and pages with surprising ease. Way back in my teen years, I developed a journaling habit I continue to this day. Each entry starts with Dear God:

So, Dear God: thanks for everything, really. I am blessed with so much, the husband and children—WHY can’t I write the word, “kids?” Why does that word flow out of my head, but I won’t let myself type it?  Kids are baby goats, not baby humans, I remember my mother mentioning once.

So, I thank you God for my children.  I thought about getting a goat when we moved to this old house, but Husband said it would eat all of our azaleas.

Dear God: thanks for these two herniated discs. Because of this, I’ve been able to really focus on writing. Not sure if I’m any good at it, but boy do I enjoy the heck out of it.  Signing up for WordPress’ post-a-day in 2013 really helped me make the commitment.  So, yay for that!

Today I go to the doctor and find out if surgery is on the horizon.  In a way, I hope it is so I can just get this thing fixed and get back to my life.  But I am sort of enjoying all this Husband driving the carpool and doing the grocery shopping thing.

In Search of Hope and Transformation

butterflyI’ve been an annoying re-blogger the past few days.  I spent three intense days on a marketing proposal I had to present Tuesday, and in good old obsessive fashion I thought of nothing else until it was complete and behind me.  Then yesterday I was in recovery mode from this and spent my time reading other people’s work and re-blogging good stuff.

Now that I’ve recovered from my marketing obsession, I have so many ideas that I want to write about. The problem is determining which one to dive into first. And then I saw a simple post over at Tired of Thinking About Drinking that inspired me to write my own similar post listing the “search terms” people use to find my blog.  This at least has gotten me going and I expect I’ll have two or three posts to follow before the day is over. I hope y’all (yes, I’m from Georgia) don’t get tired of me today!

Search terms used to find my blog:

  • mother son intimacy
  • aa logo
  • catholic and alcoholism
  • catholic alcoholic
  • adopt a cardinal
  • sobriety blogs
  • different kinds of saints
  • is aa ok for catholic
  • lectio divina
  • blog catholic alcoholism
  • 4th step prayer
  • catholic coping mechanisms
  • catholic alcohol addiction
  • prayer book for catholic addicts
  • mother teresa
  • catholic healing for alcoholic parent
  • catholic alcoholics anonymous women
  • catholics and alcohol
  • catholic and being alcoholic
  • gods will regarding alcoholism catholic
  • bruce willis alcoholic
  • mindy mccready suicide
  • 12 steps for catholic priests book
  • hope
  • mary magdalen and the egg
  • pilgrimage florida
  • catholics love alcohol
  • catholic beer
  • calix
  • heather king magnificat
  • “celebrate recovery” catholic
  • king paw jaguar
  • catholic alcohol recovery
  • catholic help with alcoholism
  • pope benedict commentary
  • catechism views on alcoholics anonymous
  • cloud of witnesses

Pretty interesting–at least to me!  So there are people out there searching for the kind of experiences I write about. Dear God, please direct my thinking and my writing so that if ever someone comes across my blog they are left with Your hope. As your dear servant Pope Emeritus Benedict said,

“To be effective the proclamation of faith must begin with a heart that believes, hopes, loves; and a heart that loves Christ also believes in the transformative power of the Holy Spirit!”

So if it be Your will, God, let me be an example of this transformative power of the Holy Spirit.