Relapse and Consequences and Bottoms

Goodness. It’s been a helluva year. When I started this blog three years ago, I kept it private only for me. I used it sort of as an online private journal of sorts. I wonder now what my motives were? Why not just put my journal in an online word document? Why blog my private journal? Thinking back, I guess I have always had –as most creative types do – an ambition to have my words live on after me. Why my words would matter or be interesting to anybody after I’m gone I don’t know..but creative types like me have a deep sense of purpose–even in the midst of our despair–as if what we think, feel, and have to share matters to somebody someday some where? Who knows? It’s like an ego maniac with an inferiority complex. Nobody cares what I have to say. What I have to say is so deep and important. Maybe it will mean something to somebody? ha ha ha.. not.

So, here I am. blogging again. sober again. I had been sober for a while but relapsed in April on Spring Break. I just wanted to “have fun” lol. Have fun. Two months later of “having fun” got me more consequences, a horrible bottom, a DUI, the threat of the loss of my family… In just two months after a casual uneventful “relapse,” my whole world crashed around me. We think, “Oh I’ve been sober so long I don’t have a problem anymore.” Or, “I can handle it. It won’t get that bad this time.” la la la

So, the casual, “I’ll just have one glass of wine on spring break,” turned into daily drinking within weeks. It’s insane! Sometimes I get so angry with God-why me? Why can’t I have a drink or two at parties or with dinner? And He says this is my cross. This is what He has given me to help me, my family and others. God gave me alcoholism—and yes, I am clearly an “alcoholic”- in order to help myself and help others.

I’m back. I’m back here blogging. And oh I have stories to tell lol! Warm prayers and love to all of you,


29 thoughts on “Relapse and Consequences and Bottoms

  1. Hi…I’m glad you’re back. I found the following very helpful in understanding that life doesn’t cause me to drink – I cause me to drink. “If I look for truth, I may find comfort – but I may not. Life is not about being comfortable. It’s about pressing forward out of my comfort zone. It’s about getting up everyday and accepting whatever challenge I am faced with, staying faithful to the truth and searching for the meaning and value in the suffering I endure.
    The Christian life is not the secret to success, but the shortcut to sainthood. It is not here to cure your pain so much as to keep you from wasting it.

    We are obsessed with getting rid of pain. That’s often a good thing, but it’s not the most important thing. What’s more important is the soul that is forged in the fire of that pain. In this fire, we discover the truth about who we are.

    We are reminded that we are small and weak and in need of help. That we have limits and are in need of a Limitless One. This is the truth. Too much comfort puts us in danger of forgetting it.

    You weren’t made for this world, so don’t get too comfortable.”

    In the mean time clean house, trust God and work with others. Take care, and easy does it. Bill

  2. You have absolutely made my day here, R. This is an example of our alcoholism works – “just one won’t hurt”, “this time it’s going to be different”, etc. Ego rebuilds and then boom. Before you know it…well, you know it. I am sorry that things went pear shaped for you and the consequences returned with a vengeance. But you’re here with us now and safe in God’s hands. God works through people, and the support and love and all that stuff that I get to experience is certainly God’s power. I have no doubt about it.

    I am glad you’re hear and writing about it and opening up…because I guarantee you are helping someone who is reading this who feels shame and guilt and isn’t sure if they are to feel that way.

    Thank you for sharing this…it takes courage.


  3. I relapse and relapse…well, maybe it’s not relapse…one or two or three days of not drinking and I’m sure I’ve beaten “it” again…yeah, since my twenties…now in my’s NOT the new 40….
    I had signed up-desperate- and couldn’t figure out where you were…now I know…thanks for telling..yep..just one glass…and it’s a s&^* storm from there. Thank you for coming back….I hope to ride along via your blog and the Psalms.

  4. Hello!
    I am new on your blog – all I have to say is “THANK YOU!” I am too prideful to go to any meetings – but I know enough to know I need the support of others with the same cross.
    I, too, am a wine lover – a binge drinker. And newly admitted alcoholic.
    I found this site when I was googling for a ‘patron saint of alcoholics’ and found your wonderful and insightful article on St. Monica! What a blessing this whole thing has been for me. Again, thank you! Dee

  5. You helping those of us who live with alcoholics as well as I do. I don’t get a conversation about anything related to his addiction and I’m thankful you have the courage to put it out there so I can have a glimpse of what is going on inside my husbands head.

  6. Have been wondering about your blogging disappearance, Regina. Glad you are “back” and your story adds to my understanding that ALL of us have areas of addiction vulnerability, substance or otherwise. I have been telling my girlfriend about your journey and we would like to communicate with you through my LinkedIn. We have known each other for four years and have a policy of “Quick Tell” which means we don’t let anything we need to tell each other wait. This is sincere. Praying for you and hope to hear from you! — Tony Rubio

      • Have been travelling since I wrote the last note and SOMEHOW didn’t see yours until now. Sorry! Was leaving open the possibility of returning home to Ohio via Georgia. Not sure if that’s still possible for us. If you have the time, contact me (us) through LinkedIn and I’ll get messages tonight after a last day with relatives!

  7. Pingback: Why I Blog? | My Journey in the Orthodox Church...

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