Hi. Good morning. Just thinking about things, up before everyone else in the house. I love this time of the day,the early morning with my coffee and my runaway dog Gypsy.
I’m a little conflicted as you know, God, about this blogging thing. I told you in the beginning when you and I decided it was okay and time for me to go “public” with my alcoholism and this blog that it was a risk because of my scruples. After a couple of years of just writing for myself and you, I have since early January been writing for a third person now. I have the reader in mind. I edit what I write. I re-word things that might sound controversial or stupid.
I told you I was worried this would happen, that I would care too much how or even if I’m perceived by others. You know this is one of my faults. Sometimes I call it vanity. But still you encouraged me to do this. Why? I’ve lost my time with you in the mornings. I’ve lost the intimacy you and I shared. My mornings used to be 45 minutes of sitting in my prayer chair, reading, praying, listening to you.
Now the first thing I do in the morning—well, I do make myself say the Rosary before I get out of bed, but it’s rushed and I can’t wait to finish it in order to get up for coffee and to check my blog. Did anybody read what I wrote yesterday? Comment? Do I have a new follower overnight? Where did my traffic come from? What search words do strangers use to find my blog? How interesting it all is to me! And although this information shows me that you and I are on the right track with this, I don’t like how my focus has shifted from you to me.
I just wanted to talk about this blogging thing, this public alcoholism I’m engaged in. What about all the people in my life, my professional life and my Facebook/personal life—my Facebook life is filled with people I’ve met along the way all the way back to elementary school! What will they think if they find out I’m an alcoholic? My blog posts are showing up in SEO, in Google.
What about those girls from high school and college, you know the perfect ones? What will they think of me? What about my sister, the one who is more private than I am.
You know, that’s the thing that’s bothering me the most right now. The sister who may not be comfortable with me being publicly alcoholic. I try to summon up the courage to not worry about this but it does make me question myself and your plan for me. Maybe I should just be a quiet, non-wave-maker, mother and wife. I have that scruples thing, not all the time and not with everybody but with some people. But the love is there. Definitely the love is there
Should I be sharing these personal things about my life? Shouldn’t I be more careful about what I put “out there” on the internet? Why am I even doing this blog? It’s not like I’m blogging about arts and crafts, cooking, motherhood, something respectable. I’m blogging about alcoholism and how it has affected me and my family. Maybe I should be more private about things, especially these things?
Even though I’m INFP on the Myers Briggs personality thing, I do have a way about me that sort of barrels through life. I don’t take precautions, and I usually just go for it, do things. I’ve always been this way. I’m always like, “Okay, sure. Let’s do it.” I was a gymnast and a diver in my youth, and I’ve always had a lot of courage–or maybe some would call me a “risk-taker,” which is actually one of the qualities the experts say is evident in every alcoholic. A risk-taker. My coach would show me a difficult thing in the gymnastics book and I would say sure, I’ll try it. So I guess my point here is how does me doing this blog affect the people I love? Am I being selfish here, risking more than just my own reputation? By having this blog am I hurting the reputation of those I love, too? Will my children be embarrassed one day when they’re old enough to know the difference?
Anyways, I”m not making ANY sense. I sound like such a victim here which is not how I feel at all. Just wanted you to know that part of my fear and reservation about going public with my alcoholism and this blog. All of this could be in my head. All of this, I suppose unfortunately IS in my head. ugh.
Back to you.
Dear God, I’m just asking you this morning two things. Well, of course the normal things like bless and take care of Husband and the children, my parents, Husband’s parents and all of my siblings and their families. Of course that. But the two things I’m asking for in addition to the regular things are:
1. Bring me back to you in my mornings. I am loving blogging and writing, but I think of Wormwood in the Screwtape Letters, how satan is a master manipulator and uses the things we love to separate us from you. So help me give my mornings back to you, in my prayer chair, with my journal and my Lectio Divina, my Magnificat subscription, My Daily Bread book… I want to be with you in the mornings again.
2. Release me from my attachment to pleasing anyone but you. Help me not worry about what I think people think of me. I’m not the kind of person anymore that worries about what everybody thinks—but I guess I do still worry too much about what “certain” people think. So, can you release me from that?
3. oh and three. I know I said it was just two. But three, can you reveal what it is exactly you want me to do with this blog? It’s all for you, you know?