Hi. How are you? Thank you for keeping me sober yesterday and please keep me sober today, too–I keep following your instruction to do this sober thing one day at at time. I was surprised yesterday when I realized I will have six months sober on Easter. I’ve been counting the days and didn’t realize how many months had added up. By your grace, I’ve been able to get back to my sober life.
After being sober for three years, I really didn’t think it would be a big deal to have wine on my anniversary. But since I hadn’t been to AA the last year and a half of those three years, I didn’t have the regular reminder that I can’t drink like normal people. And it took me three years of trying really hard to get sobriety back before I have been finally able to. Please don’t let me lose this?
I look at those three years and see your lessons. One of the things you taught me was that financial security isn’t something I can count on, nor should I. And through all that, here we sit in a teeny house with our life downsized 2/3 the size it was before. I never want to go back to big.
The blessings in having this little simple life are enormous. The boys share a room. We all four share one bathroom! What character you’ve built-in all of us from all this sharing and physical closeness.
In my downsized life I actually get the laundry done. The laundry room is right there. I walk past it every time I go to the bathroom or to my room, so it’s easy to just throw a load in or take a load out.
Remember in the old house, the 5 bedroom, 3 bathroom golf and country club house? Remember how the laundry would pile up in the playroom so high that my Mom would have to come over and help me fold it all? I felt like such an incapable mother that I couldn’t keep up with the laundry!
Working full-time then and trying to run and manage that big house and big life really was too much for me. Sure I could handle it. I won the sales awards and the sales contests. I made really good money and we had amazing benefits for our whole family.
But none of that worked for us. Husband, the boys and I were all always running around, low-level anxiety permeated all of us. It wasn’t until we left all that behind, on a whim almost, when we decided to purchase this 1300 square foot 1925 farm-house and renovate it, that life began to get simpler.
Not at first, though. All the work the house needed before we could even move in! We were still drinking, and I can still see some of the trim I painted drunk that needs to be touched up.
Settled now, for the most part, I started my own small marketing firm, took a few clients immediately and learned the ropes of my new endeavor. Then, I got pregnant–and the boys were out of school for the summer–I gave up the clients and focused more on our home and family. I was really happy. Giving up drinking when I was pregnant was a no-brainer, piece of cake. It was fun imagining the baby would be a girl and finally having some pink around our house. I remember thinking how grateful I was to you, discovering we were pregnant at age 42–I thought this must be Your way of getting me back to sobriety. We had decided to name her after my mother, Elizabeth Claire.
But you knew there were other plans for me, the miscarriage and subsequent D&C–gosh all that was awful. All the blood and painfulness. I was so sad. The boys were so sad. But it wasn’t meant to be. And I was able to see that if that wasn’t your will for me then I am okay with that. There must have been a reason – beyond my understanding – for losing the baby.
I’m sorry I went right back to drinking. And it was worse, more. After two months of that Husband had had enough and he threw me out. And in those dark, dark days that followed, I quit you. During those days of unspeakable brokenness and tears, I finally, finally broke. I even felt something break in my head, like a physical sensation. It was the moment I told you I hated you, didn’t want you in my life and that I had no use for you whatsoever and I meant it with my whole being. I completely 100% for the first time in my life ever hated you. I told you out loud that I consciously choose to kick you out of my life.
And then something broke.
But then you sent an angel. my sister Liz who took off work and took me into her home and showered me with love and all of her religiousness. Everything in her house is touched by you–the crucifixes, the rosaries, the Mary statues, the prayer cards, all of it. She set me up in her son’s room for ten days and I remember staring at that picture of Jesus of the Divine Mercy that she had tacked up on the wall right next to my pillow at eyes height. I remember staring into Jesus’ eyes. And they penetrated me, warmed me, filled me. I remember telling you I was absolutely broken and scared. And I started writing.
I filled two journal books in those ten days, and I smoked three packs of cigarettes a day LOL! And my sister who hates smoking never said a word to me when I smoked full-time on her back deck! She even brought me an ashtray. And I wrote two full books full of talking to you, praying to you, begging you and reaching out to you. Every day my journal started out with Dear God. And you filled me like you had never filled me before.
Within two weeks, I was reunited with the family and within two months I’d gotten back into AA and started working the steps. And now here I am, dear God, writing to you filled with peace and gratitude for all the wonderful gifts of my life. If I had to plan my life, it wouldn’t have looked like this. And thank you for that! Because if I had planned my life, I wouldn’t have the joy and peace that you give that surpasses my understanding.
- Letters I’ll Never Send – Dear God (myperfectline.wordpress.com)
- Domestic Violence: Dear God Teach Me How to Trust Please (itshouldnothurttobeawife.com)
- Dear God (Things children say) (hilarymurdoch.wordpress.com)
- Dear God (donnyprevette.wordpress.com)